Above the Lighthouse
by cardassianvole
Summary: a continuation of Under the Lighthouse.


*******************************  
  
Author: Amber Leigh Parry  
  
Title: Above the Lighthouse (Under the Lighthouse II)  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Classification: Mulder/Scully Romance  
  
Summary: bite me. be surprised!  
  
Spoilers: none--but you should probably read "under the  
  
lighthouse" before reading this....otherwise it probably  
  
isn't going to have the full effect on ya.  
  
Enjoy!  
  
*********************************  
  
Fall 2005  
  
A lighthouse on the coast of Massachusetts  
  
3:45 pm  
  
  
  
My flip-flop sandals make a consistent noise as I walk across my living room.  
  
It seems like my flip-flop sandals are the only constant in my life lately.  
  
I planned on living with Anne-Marie in this lighthouse, solitary and happy, for the rest of my life. Alone with my art, and my gallery, and my new persona.  
  
And then Mulder had to come back and ruin it all.  
  
I sigh at this point because I realize just how ridiculous it is to say Mulder came back and *ruined* my life. It's just stupid; I am chiding myself, sighing. You, Dana, are the one making this out to be a catastrophe. *You* are the one racking your brain attempting to find every reason to be unhappy.  
  
Is Mulder returning to me a good occurrence?  
  
Or am I destined to a life of unhappiness?  
  
And is this unhappiness by fate, or by choice?  
  
Is Mulder really for me?  
  
Or is he just another cruel joke on the way to peace?  
  
I run my fingers through my hair, take a deep breath, and wipe the tears from my face. There has to be a way, there has to be a way, there has to be a way..  
  
As I lay down on the couch and listen to the waves crash against the shore, a passage from a long ago read book comes back to me, and whispers to me faintly:  
  
"What matters, father? What's true? Or what people think?"  
  
This doesn't pertain directly to my situation, I realize this. But...in a way, it does. I remember this quotation every time I find myself confused and hurting. Especially since my father died. I used to go to him for advice.  
  
This is one of the times when I need him most.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Fall 2005  
  
Arlington, VA  
  
Fox Mulder's Apartment  
  
  
  
I don't think I have ever been this nervous in my entire life.  
  
Not nervous, I tell myself. Anxious is more like it. And scared. Frightened.  
  
Terrified.  
  
Am I making my decision today? Is he expecting me to? Am I expecting me to?  
  
What am I doing here?  
  
.  
  
My mind is making fun of me again.  
  
Scratch that. My mind is making me crazy again.  
  
I have not slept in three days. I can't concentrate on anything. My mind is blank at times, a frenzy of excitement and nervousness at others. I am at a loss on what to do. I  
  
love him. I love him. God, do I love him. But is the time right? Are we compatible? Can it work between us? Is there something out there that can make this work when it  
  
couldn't before?  
  
But how would I know that it wouldn't work before when  
  
nothing happened before?  
  
My mind confuses me.  
  
"Scully?"  
  
My heart stops beating.  
  
Mulder has emerged from the shower-lucky me, I arrive in the morning when he is showering. I find a note on the front door telling me to enter at my own risk-and now I am sitting here on a black leather futon looking at the fucking love of my goddamn life wet and naked from the waist up. His complete attire consists of a white terrycloth bath towel. It is tied loosely around his waist and quite frankly I am not sure if I can answer his greeting when he is dressed like this in front of me. My mouth opens; nothing comes  
  
out. I am embarrassed and flustered; half of me is hoping that he notices and changes into something decent and the other half of me is hoping he drops the towel and lets me  
  
see all he's got and fuck with the curiosity already. Let him give me more to be speechless about. At this point it isn't really going to matter much anyway.  
  
He is either ignorant or just trying to be nice when he begins to speak again:  
  
"Let me go get into something decent and I'll make you some coffee. You look exhausted, Scully. Have you been getting enough sleep?"  
  
The old Scully would have been offended that he thought she looked like Hell. This Scully, the new and not-so-improved Scully, didn't really give a damn and was more than relieved when he turned and didn't mention the fact that she was reduced to a spineless pool of jelly upon his entering the room half-naked.  
  
As I sit on this black leather futon plotting my next move (which sadly enough involves producing a proper sentence in front of this man), Mulder re-enters the room. A little  
  
more quickly than I had previously estimated, I am caught off-guard and am only able to utter a pathetic "hi" as he smiles at me.  
  
"I'm getting you coffee, Scully, don't worry. Soon enough you'll be able to think straight again."  
  
I want to laugh out loud but find I don't have the capability for this either.  
  
Forty minutes later, Mulder and I are sitting rather uncomfortably on this black leather futon: me on one end, he on the other. The coffee, like he promised, is waking me up  
  
considerably; however I am becoming more and more frightened of the conversation I know is looming before us. As the moment of Truth draws near, I brace myself, I pray, and I hope that he isn't going to mention it.  
  
My watch stops.  
  
"Scully, I think we both know why we're here."  
  
Shit.  
  
I know I can't plead ignorance. I know why we're here and my face shows it. It's do or die time, I tell myself. Make a decision and stick with it. You can't take the high road  
  
with this one, Dana. Listen to your heart.  
  
"Mulder..." I begin. Seconds tick away as if attached to a time bomb. "I..." What are you going to say, Dana? What's it going to be? What's your future, Dana Scully? Is there  
  
a Truth? Or are there just lies? What is your life?  
  
"I don't know what I want, Mulder."  
  
There. It's been said. I silently congratulate myself on pumping out an entire sentence today. It's my first and for a moment, at least, I am proud of it. When I look up at  
  
Mulder and glance into those deep hazel eyes, however, my pride turns to horror.  
  
The pain that I see when I look into Mulder's eyes is incomparable to any other I have ever seen. My heart breaks when I imagine what he is going through and I have a secret  
  
wish to throw myself into a river. Into the ocean; the ocean right outside the lighthouse. Yes, that's what I want. My secret wish. My hope for myself. I deserve to be punished; what better way than with death. I have hurt this man, I tell myself as I continue to stare silently into his eyes. I have just made him feel more pain than he has ever felt in his entire life. I do not deserve to live.  
  
Let the waves take me instead of his heart.  
  
Without so much as another word, I find myself standing. I pick up my purse, say a silent prayer for my family, for Mulder, and for myself-then I walk out of Mulder's apartment and begin the journey back to Massachusetts.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Fall 2005  
  
The Beach outside the Lighthouse  
  
7:35 pm  
  
  
  
The sun is setting on the horizon as I make final preparations for my journey.  
  
I am wearing my long white dress; my sandals are no longer on. Instead they are tied to my back; a long string of yarn tied with things which will go down with me. Among them, my faith and my pride. My humility and my shame. My life and my love. Nothing will be left. Except the hurt. Except the pain.  
  
I am crying; this has been pretty constant since leaving Mulder's apartment.  
  
I am not sure why I cannot share myself with him; thinking about this has brought me next to nowhere. Sure, it could be my fear of being hurt; it could be my fear of hurting *him*; hell, it could be a long past buried memory of my cat dying and feeling so helpless that I swore from close emotional attachments. Either way, it doesn't matter now. There is nothing that is going to be able to fix this.  
  
Except walking to a watery peace.  
  
I take a deep breath; my last, presumably. I am now loading up the boat; ankle-deep in water, my tears flow freely for the life that never was; for the love never fully realized;  
  
and for the pain I was going to be causing one Fox Mulder of Alexandria, Virginia. Convincing myself one last time that the pain of my suicide would be better still than the  
  
pain he will endure if I give him my heart, I take one step into the boat and prepare to launch into the sunset.  
  
"If you die, you take me with you."  
  
Silence.  
  
My heart has stopped. I am three seconds away from killing myself and there is a distinctly familiar voice behind me telling me that he is going to take his life if I take mine.  
  
This is not the plan. This is not the plan. This is not the plan. It isn't.  
  
"What do you want?" I yell through my tears, still not turning around.  
  
"I want to save you from making the largest mistake of your life, Dana Scully."  
  
Since when does he know what the biggest mistake of my life is? I resist him.  
  
"Listen, Scully," he yells over the wind. "I know you're frightened. I know you're afraid to open your heart to me.And I know you don't know why. But Scully...I don't care if  
  
you're scared. I'm willing to be with you and help you through this. Scully..." his words, fuzzy until now, are coming through loud and clear. "I love you."  
  
At this point, another passage seems to come to mind:  
  
"The world wavered and quivered and threatened to burst into flames."  
  
This is exactly, verbatim, how I feel when Mulder tells me that he loves me.  
  
I am stunned. No, more than that. I don't know what to do. But whatever has happened to my inner psyche, Mulder has succeeded. My walls have broken down. My armor is off, my reasons are dead; my mind, my soul, my body, and my heart have all surrendered.  
  
I collapse in the water, my dress flowing in the ocean, my body drenched. I collapse in the waves, my head buried in my hands, my walls crumbling around me, and my tears flowing like a large river emptying into the ocean. I capitulate into the sea, throwing my resolve and my desire to end my life in with it. I am done.  
  
The next thing I feel are two warm, confident arms around me. They are strong; they are picking me up. I am in Mulder's arms and he is carrying me up the sand and into the  
  
lighthouse. I hear the gasp of Anne-Marie, and the nodding of Mulder's head as he gently carries me up the stairs and into my bedroom. He lays me down on the bed, yes; however he is still there with me, holding me in his arms, whispering "I love you" in my ear, and convincing me that everything was going to be all right.  
  
I fall asleep in his arms.  
  
  
  
  
  
Fall 2005  
  
Inside the Lighthouse  
  
3:33 am  
  
  
  
I am awake now. Things seem peaceful. Worries are gone; I am warm and suddenly realize that I am still in Mulder's arms. He is sleeping beside me and I am holding him just as he is holding me.  
  
Mulder. My savior. My love. And once again, the only one who can make me open my eyes and see the Truth. The only one who can make me see the light.  
  
I have an idea.  
  
"Mulder," I shake him lightly. He groans, squeezing me tighter. "Mulder, wake up. I need to take you somewhere."  
  
He opens one eye. "Scully."  
  
I smile slightly. "That's me. Mulder, I have something I want to show you."  
  
He raises one eyebrow.  
  
"Mulder! Not that. Come on. Please?"  
  
Mulder sits up, releasing me from his arms. I feel empty, all of a sudden, but I don't let on. What I am going to show him is more important at the moment.  
  
"Scully..." Mulder stares at his watch. "Where are you taking me *now*?"  
  
I smile again and take his hand. "You'll see."  
  
He lets me lead him without further struggle. I walk across the room and climb a small ladder in the corner. On the ceiling, there is a door, which I open. Another ladder follows. I climb the ladder, Mulder behind me. When I reach the top, there is another door-this one in front of us. I open it slightly and crawl through it onto a small balcony. I glance behind me and see that Mulder is groggily following suit.  
  
When he has emerged from the door, I lead him to a standing position.  
  
"Look in front of you. Look all around you. Tell me what you think."  
  
In front of us is the ocean. As far as you can see; ocean. The sight is breathtaking. I often journey up here when I need to be alone; when I need to paint; when I need to write  
  
poetry. I often come here when I need to remember why I continue living. I tell him so.  
  
Mulder nods. "This is beautiful, Scully. It's...it's one of the most beautiful things I think I've ever seen." He takes my hand and squeezes it. This simple gesture somehow  
  
gives me strength to say something I have wanted to say to him for years.  
  
"You know..." I begin. I squeeze his hand back, and he turns to meet my eyes. "I often sat up here and looked out at the ocean, and there was one thing I always thought about  
  
happening up here."  
  
He stared into my eyes, searching my soul for anything he could find.  
  
I took a deep breath and opened my heart.  
  
"I always thought about you asking me to marry you up here."  
  
I am sure that this isn't what he was expecting. I'm sure his wildest dreams stopped a little after "kiss". I stand here, holding his hand, staring into his shocked eyes, hoping he either says something or topples over the edge from surprise. A reaction. Any reaction.  
  
"Scully, I..."  
  
I stop him. "You know what, Mulder, you don't even have to say it. I know that after the stunt I pulled this morning, you're not going to want to jump into a lifelong commitment with me. I'm not even sure if I'm ready for that yet." I see a look of apprehension on his face and stop short. "What?"  
  
The look in his eyes tells me everything that I need to know.  
  
Leaning toward him, our lips meet for one long, soft kiss. I can't help it; I find myself crying as our love transcends our hurt. We break from our kiss; I dissolve into Mulder's  
  
arms and we sink to the floor of the balcony. I want to hold him until dawn.  
  
I look up to see the first inklings of a beautiful New England sunrise peeking over the peaceful horizon and smile. I settle into Mulder's arms and let the wind carry us away like the sound of the waves crashing against the shore.  
  
And the light continues to show me the way home.  
  
  
  
Notes from the Author:  
  
Quotes taken from:  
  
The Secret of Sarah Revere (Anne Rinaldi)  
  
AND  
  
Mrs. Dalloway (Virginia Woolf)  
  
Respectively. 


End file.
